After reading my last post, I realise that it sounded a little arrogant. Maybe it really is my fault. Could it be that the awkward me never really left? Do I make others feel uncomfortable? I often worry about that.

There is a reason why I love soft toys so much. They used to be my substitutes for friends. I often spoke to them when I was just a mere kid, and had tea with them nearly every afternoon. Each time any of them had a tear, I would cry and pestered my mum to patch it back for me so that the stuffing won't come out. Sure, they did not respond to my questions and my one-sided conversations, but at least, I had something to talk to while my parents were at work. It has become a habit I guess, having my soft toys around me. I really enjoy having soft toys and it's impossible for me to give away any of them. Well, unless I disliked them - there was a snake and a frog I gave away. I also gave away a clown. I dislike them. Clowns, I mean.

Prom on the 18th was alright, I guess. I wore a really simple white dress with a few accessories. Everyone did so much to their hair, makeup, gowns etc. I was surprised by a few faces which were caked with cosmetics. I didn't really like the food though. The old lady serving our table was utterly horrible too. Seriously horrible. 

She pushed her way to the table to serve the food without feeling apologetic at all - and she is nothing like a pint-sized model, mind you - in fact she was certainly quite well-fed. She trod on my toe, stepped onto my birthday presents, spilt food on the tablecloth, and was certainly rude. Throughout the whole thing, she elbowed me each time she served us a dish. It was infuriating. She is also the first service staff I know, who needed at least twenty minutes just to serve a cup of plain water. Aside from that, she even demanded for me to move my chair over to accommodate her hips so that she could serve faster. Whatever happened to the magic word 'please'?

She somewhat dampened my mood.

Alright, frankly, she absolutely ruined my mood. It didn't help that I have grown fatter and just looked like an elephant next to all my svelte friends.

But I did feel a little sad after prom. I didn't feel it during the Graduation Day because I knew I was going to see all my friends again during O'Level. Prom somehow gave me the sense of finality - that it was finally the ending of my Secondary school life, no matter how much I wished it would not come. 

It's funny when I actually look back. I was previously adamant about not wanting to a girls' school because I'd mistakenly thought that it would be boring since there would only be girls and girls are usually quiet and demure, so school would be just as stagnant. In the end, I chose this school on my own because I'd wanted something different. And what a good choice it turned out to be. 

Although I rather wish not to comment on the fact that it has been pure hell to get up at 5am every morning just to get to school, it has indeed been an awesome four years. I have met so many friends and with the girls, it was so much more easy to be spontaneous and carefree without feeling insecure. Seeing some of my friends from co-ed schools getting embroiled in and troubled by their relationships with boys, I can't help but think, 'at least I needn't go through that since there are no boys here.' 

Aside from the school, sometimes I admit I do go, 'Ah, if only I'd joined that CCA, or joined this, I wouldn't be troubled.' But choir was where I met such great friends too. The Secondary Fours who have accompanied me have been a cool and funny bunch. It was great fun fooling around between practices with them and they always helped me. Juniper and Yi Bin always helped me when we were in the committee too. Although I can't say that our juniors are working well together like we did, I actually really enjoyed working with the both of them. It was easy working with them and I can't actually remember fighting with them. Maybe just one or two arguments which just end up with us talking things out and go back to joking about. I honestly hope choir won't break up , but if it ever comes to that, I really think it will be a little disheartening to the past conductors. 

My classmates, both from C1 and G1, have been really nice to me too. They were always offering their help when they see me struggling. They also bore with the expressionless me in the morning, when I'm far too sleepy to care about the world. In this school, it was the first time I never had to sit alone during recess or lunch periods. Everyone sat together without anyone saying a word. 

It has become to natural so me, so much so that I feel uneasy when I eat alone in the canteen. To think that I used to be so frightened of buying food and eating with others in Primary school. I was such a wimp, huh. I guess Secondary school gave me a second chance to make up for all the friends I'd lost previously due to my silly phobias. I used to make hurtful and sarcastic remarks to others last time to mask my nervousness and fear, but I finally and truly opened up to others now. And it's all thanks to the girls I've met in these four years. 

My mum was angry last night and told me about how I'm always taken for granted by most of my friends. 

I've always thought that all relationships were just about 'give and take'. As long as you bear this in mind, all friendships and relationships will work out. I had a really difficult time making friends when I was younger because of my phobia. It cost me plenty of friendships up till Primary six. I then decided to become a different person altogether once I came to Secondary school. I forced myself to be spontaneous, funny, and loud. It was tough initially, I didn't even recognise who I was anymore. Once I reached home, I would be so exhausted being someone I'm not, that I couldn't even speak to my mum, since I was too tired. 

After some time, I found out that there is really a spontaneous side of me. I didn't need to pretend at all. I just needed to be who I am, and forget about the old me who was so afraid of people. After I was selected to be a Vice-chairperson, I knew that there was no turning back. I enjoyed being a student leader. I wasn't the same girl who refused to be the class monitor back in Primary school. I could laugh freely with everyone. It was a great weight off my shoulders. Maybe it was what they call 'the period of finding your own identity'. 

But yet, my fundamental belief that human relationships are always about 'give and take' still stays with me. It was the part of me that never changed. Yet, it was this that hurt me time and time again. I know that all my friends care for me. Sometimes however, I can't help wondering if some of these friendships are nothing but superficial. There are a few friends who disappoint me time and time again. I never blamed them, neither have I ever gotten angry. I'd always blamed myself. From the time I made my first friend in kindergarten till now, I have been taken for granted for countless times. 

I know my mum worries ceaselessly about me. I remember friends borrowing things from me but never giving it back to me unless it spoilt. I remember friends who smile sweetly to me but laugh at me when they didn't know I was there. I remember friends who told me they hated me in my face. I often wonder, just how much more do I have to 'give', to be able to 'take'. 

Perhaps I started to be such a dumb person since the beginning. I used to be in a clique, where I often tried my best to please my friends. I gave them presents, I shared my things with them, I helped them whenever they needed me. But they never gave me anything, they never noticed me till I offer my help, they called me a fool. I guess I am. 

Or could it be that I do not know how to choose my friends? Am I so blind that I can't figure out who my true friends are? Many people think that I'm popular, since plenty of people know me (I didn't know that but that was what someone told me). I do realise that many care for me. There are indeed friends who help me in times of need. Yet there are some who leave me in a lurch. There are plenty who forget me often. Those are the people who never seem to remember my existence whenever I'm not needed.

Rather, have I ever been needed or wanted as a friend? It's not that these people do not treat me well, they do. But I have never been the 'first choice', I'm always the substitute, the 'back-up', the 'second-best', more specifically put, the one they will only think of when they need one more person to join their team. But what makes a true friend? How much does it take to be able to have a reliable support for me to share my joys and pain with?

Or, could it just be that I'm a greedy person? I know I'm not a selfless person, but I don't know if I'm being to selfish here.