My mum was angry last night and told me about how I'm always taken for granted by most of my friends. 

I've always thought that all relationships were just about 'give and take'. As long as you bear this in mind, all friendships and relationships will work out. I had a really difficult time making friends when I was younger because of my phobia. It cost me plenty of friendships up till Primary six. I then decided to become a different person altogether once I came to Secondary school. I forced myself to be spontaneous, funny, and loud. It was tough initially, I didn't even recognise who I was anymore. Once I reached home, I would be so exhausted being someone I'm not, that I couldn't even speak to my mum, since I was too tired. 

After some time, I found out that there is really a spontaneous side of me. I didn't need to pretend at all. I just needed to be who I am, and forget about the old me who was so afraid of people. After I was selected to be a Vice-chairperson, I knew that there was no turning back. I enjoyed being a student leader. I wasn't the same girl who refused to be the class monitor back in Primary school. I could laugh freely with everyone. It was a great weight off my shoulders. Maybe it was what they call 'the period of finding your own identity'. 

But yet, my fundamental belief that human relationships are always about 'give and take' still stays with me. It was the part of me that never changed. Yet, it was this that hurt me time and time again. I know that all my friends care for me. Sometimes however, I can't help wondering if some of these friendships are nothing but superficial. There are a few friends who disappoint me time and time again. I never blamed them, neither have I ever gotten angry. I'd always blamed myself. From the time I made my first friend in kindergarten till now, I have been taken for granted for countless times. 

I know my mum worries ceaselessly about me. I remember friends borrowing things from me but never giving it back to me unless it spoilt. I remember friends who smile sweetly to me but laugh at me when they didn't know I was there. I remember friends who told me they hated me in my face. I often wonder, just how much more do I have to 'give', to be able to 'take'. 

Perhaps I started to be such a dumb person since the beginning. I used to be in a clique, where I often tried my best to please my friends. I gave them presents, I shared my things with them, I helped them whenever they needed me. But they never gave me anything, they never noticed me till I offer my help, they called me a fool. I guess I am. 

Or could it be that I do not know how to choose my friends? Am I so blind that I can't figure out who my true friends are? Many people think that I'm popular, since plenty of people know me (I didn't know that but that was what someone told me). I do realise that many care for me. There are indeed friends who help me in times of need. Yet there are some who leave me in a lurch. There are plenty who forget me often. Those are the people who never seem to remember my existence whenever I'm not needed.

Rather, have I ever been needed or wanted as a friend? It's not that these people do not treat me well, they do. But I have never been the 'first choice', I'm always the substitute, the 'back-up', the 'second-best', more specifically put, the one they will only think of when they need one more person to join their team. But what makes a true friend? How much does it take to be able to have a reliable support for me to share my joys and pain with?

Or, could it just be that I'm a greedy person? I know I'm not a selfless person, but I don't know if I'm being to selfish here.