Impasse
Friday, June 17, 2011 @ 10:42 pm leave a comment? | 0 shed some light
Part of my doodles today.
Recently, I feel like there are two different sides of me. You know those cartoon shows where a devil and an angel appear over the character's shoulder? Yeah, something like that, just without all the cutesy illustrations or the mocking laughter. I've never felt this way before.
When I told my mum about it, the only explanation she could come up with was that I used to be so invested in my leadership positions that I did not have energy or time to spare for all these emotions or drama. I used to be the one who would solve disputes and look from the sidelines. Instead, I'm now facing this other side of me I never knew existed. I can actually rant about someone and get so annoyed about a matter which would have been considered trivial to me in the past. Maybe what my mum said was right; I'm no longer just the onlooker nor the mediator.
Never have I thought there'd be a day I feel so negatively about certain matters. I can eat my own words now. But I guess it's part of being human too; when I no longer have the role of a neutral party. We are all humans and we do take sides after all. Nevertheless, this 'darker' side of me makes me such a horrible person. Each time I rant about my misgivings and frustrations, I feel so guilty that I'd actually had a huge terrible ranting session. I feel remorseful for saying such biased words and needing to burden my conversations with my friend by peppering my sentences with such negativity.
Then there's the problem of my cowardice too. Others have been saying that I'm being pushed around. It's not that I have no will of my own. It's just that I am reluctant to have confrontations which could either backfire or affect the rest of the people who would be better off not knowing all the unhappiness hidden below the surfaces. There is really no need to get so ugly. At least I don't see a need for it. I know others are worried that I might burst one day with all the emotions brewing inside me.
They needn't worry though. I've been keeping my thoughts to myself and I've not let go of my control at all. At these times, I'm really glad for having a confidante to talk to freely. Unfortunately, I still can't get rid of the horrible guilt gnawing at me though. The guilt for being able to feel such resentment.
Labels: Captured by the lens
